Not Meant To Be Broken Page 14

  She played with the hem of her nightgown. “I mean the girls you used to…go out with. I bet they didn’t have boring white panties.”

  Did she think I’d been staring at her panties because I didn’t like them?

  She met my gaze, questions in her eyes. “Why do you even want to be with me? Pity?”

  I snorted. “Amber, I want to be with you because I like spending time with you and because you turn me on. I was staring at you because you’re sexy. I’m fucking hard for you. I don’t think I could be any harder if you wore lace or nothing.”

  Her eyes widened, then darted toward my crotch and the proof that I hadn’t lied.

  Zach, you fucking moron, now she’ll flee the room. But she didn’t. She slowly raised her head, biting her lower lip. “Oh.”

  I raised my eyebrows. “Oh?”

  She shrugged, then made a vague motion toward my erection. “I’m sorry. This must be frustrating for you.”

  “Don’t worry. I’ll take a shower and take care of business.” I grinned at the sight of her blush darkening. I gave her a quick kiss, then swung my legs out of bed and hurried out of the room before I could pounce on Amber and lick every inch of her body.

  In the bathroom I realized how much my clothes stank of smoke. Amber was a saint for putting up with me. When would she realize I was the lucky one, not her? I almost sighed in relief when I was out my clothes and stepped under the hot shower. My cock twitched when I grabbed it, calling up the image of Amber’s white panties, the outline of her folds, and started jerking off. After I’d come, I leaned against the shower stall and released a harsh breath. I’d never had to go without sex for a long period of time. This was the sweetest form of torture I could imagine. It hadn’t even been that long, but it probably felt that way because of the wait that lay ahead. I wondered how long it would take for the skin of my palm to become hard from jerking off so often. I laughed, then shook myself. Maybe I’d be better at controlling my dick if Amber didn’t sleep in my bed, half naked.

  Amber

  My skin flushed when I recalled the bulge in Zach’s pants. It was hard to believe that I’d done that to him with my simple white panties. Maybe I should have felt scared, but there was only a hint of nervousness mixed with excitement. Even with a drunk Zach at my side, I’d slept better than I ever could alone. I was bursting with energy and couldn’t sit still, so I was glad when Reagan came over after Zach had gone off to University in her jogging clothes. “Why don’t you join me?” she asked as she stepped into the apartment.

  “Running?” I hadn’t exercised in years. I didn’t think I’d last for more than a few minutes. Back in junior high, I’d been on the track team. I’d loved it. I’d never felt freer than when I was flying over the track, pulse pounding in my veins and the sound of my shoes slapping the tartan in my ears.

  “Brian mentioned that you used to be on the track team.”

  I stared off toward the window. “Yeah. The day I was attacked I was out running a track through the forest. Usually my best friend was with me but that morning she didn’t feel well and instead of cancelling my run, I went off alone.”

  Reagan’s face twisted with regret. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know. I didn’t want to bring bad memories back.”

  My love for running was another thing those men had taken from me. Hatred kindled in me. Sometimes I wished I had a way of hurting them as they had hurt me. Sometimes I wondered how it would be to kill them. How it would be to hear them begging me only to laugh in their faces. I didn’t like that vicious, hateful part of me. Before the attack I wouldn’t have been capable of murder, now I wasn’t so sure. “Let me get changed.”

  Surprise flashed across Reagan’s face as she followed me toward my room where I put on sweatpants and a t-shirt. I’d preferred to run in shorts like the one Reagan was wearing but I didn’t own any and I wasn’t sure I was comfortable with showing that much skin yet.

  When we stepped outside into the fresh Fall air and started stretching, I said, “But go easy on me. I need to learn running again.” Just like I needed to learn living again, or letting people getting close. As we pounded the pavement at a leisurely pace, I could feel the familiar euphoria of running streaming through my body.

  “So how’s it going with Zach?” Reagan asked, not even sweating yet, while I was already panting. I was so out of shape.

  “Good, I think?” I said between gasps of breath. “We shared a bed last night.”

  Reagan lost her footing and almost stumbled, but then she fell back into a trot beside me. “What?”

  “He came home drunk last night and passed out, so I spent the night with him.”

  “And?”

  “It was nice. I love falling asleep beside Zach, and I love waking up beside him even more.”

  “You’ve got it bad,” Reagan said with a grin.

  There was no use denying it. I was falling for Zach scarily fast. I’d been depraved of emotion and physical contact for three years and now I felt like I needed to make up for it.

  “Promise me to be careful.”

  I threw her a confused look.

  “Just don’t think that Zach’s the only one who can make you feel that way. If things between you two don’t work out, there are many other guys out there who’d be lucky to be with you.” She stopped and I was glad for it because my heart felt like it was going to jump through my ribcage. We started stretching again. “Kevin is my second boyfriend. When my first love broke up with me, I thought I’d die. I thought I could never love someone again. But then I met Kevin and we’re so much better together than I was with my first boyfriend.”

  I nodded, but I didn’t want to think about Zach and I splitting up. I knew it was a possibility at some point, but right now I needed to believe that the feelings he gave me would last forever.

  ***

  The next morning Brian told me that he would bring Lauren for dinner. I was glad that he’d finally decided to introduce her to me. He’d probably realized that I wasn’t bothered by relationships all that much if I could date Zach.

  I decided to cook something special and bought everything for my favorite fish curry as well as mango chutney, cucumber raita and naan bread. I was chopping and humming when Zach stepped in, holding up the new season of Game of Thrones that had appeared on DVD today. Pumpkin hopped off the chair he’d been napping on and began rubbing his body against Zach’s legs. Zach bent down and patted my cat’s back. “That smells delicious,” he said, taking a whiff as he walked up to me and pressed a gentle kiss against the crook of my neck. I leaned back against him and tilted my head all the way back until our lips could meet. “I thought we could have a DVD marathon tonight?” He dipped a finger into the mango chutney and I swatted him away. “Stop. Lauren is coming for dinner. I don’t think she’ll be happy if she finds out you had your finger in her food.”

  Zach grimaced. “That girl is never happy unless everyone around her is miserable. I bet my father would love her.”

  Deciding this was the best chance I got, I said, “What did your father say yesterday that made you go out and get drunk?”

  “He thinks I’m not taking law school and life in general seriously enough. He wants me to get my ass in gear so I can finally join him in the family business. But I’m used to that by now.” He shrugged. “What made me want to go out and drink was that his fucking affair arrived at the end of our dinner, so he could take her to a hotel and fuck her.”

  My eyes widened. “Your father’s cheating openly on your mother?”

  “For years. He doesn’t even try to hide it. My mother tries to pretend it’s not happening and drowns her sorrows in alcohol.”

  “Like you do.” It slipped out before I could stop it. “Sorry.”

  He shook his head. “No, you’re right. Whenever I’m pissed at my father, I end up at a club getting shit-faced.” He nodded toward the array of ingredients. “Is there something I can do?”

  “Do you know how to bone fish?”

  “Yep. My grandfather used to take me to fish before he died.” He unwrapped the fish and set out to work.

  “I can’t imagine you in fishing gear,” I said.

  “I look sexy as hell as always.”

  I laughed, then continued chopping the red pepper.

  ***

  After he was done helping me in the kitchen, Zach went into his room to study. It was the first time I’d actually seen him do it. His talk with his father must have had an effect on him. I used the time to choose a casual dress and put my hair up in a neat ponytail. I wanted to make a good impression on Brian’s girlfriend, even if Zach didn’t like her and said things between her and my brother couldn’t last. Brian probably thought the same thing about Zach and me.

  When I heard the sound of the front door being opened, I was already back in the kitchen and setting the table. I wiped my hands and walked into the living room where my brother stood with a tall girl with straight blond hair and black-rimmed glasses. She was impeccably dressed in black dress pants and a white blouse. She looked like she belonged in law school. Brian was gnawing on his lower lip; he was nervous. He had a hand on her lower back but kept almost an arm-length between them as if he worried seeing them close would upset me. “This is my sister Amber,” he said. “And this is Lauren.”

  I smiled. “It’s nice to finally meet you.”

  She walked up to me and held out her hand. Brian was about to protest but I quickly shook her hand, trying not to show that I still wasn’t used to physical contact with other people. “Brian has told me a lot about you,” she said in an even voice. She let go of me with a polite smile. She seemed like a reserved person. From Zach’s description I’d expected a raging bitch.

  “I see the guest of honor has arrived,” Zach said from the doorway to the corridor, a smirk on his face. I could hear Pumpkin mewing in protest. I’d locked him in my room, so he wouldn’t bother Lauren. Brian had mentioned that she wasn’t an animal person.

  “Zachary,” Lauren said with contempt. “Shouldn’t you be studying for M&A? You don’t want to fail, do you?”

  Zach’s lips curled. “Don’t worry. I won’t.” He strode toward me and wrapped an arm around my waist. Lauren turned to Brian and gave him a look I couldn’t quite read.

  “I made dinner,” I said, trying to dissolve the tension. “Fish curry and Indian starters.”

  “I don’t have time to cook, but it’s nice that you do.”

  I wasn’t sure if she meant it as an insult or if she was just being insensitive. Zach’s hand on my hip tightened.

  “Then let’s eat,” Brian said. We walked into the kitchen and took our seats around the table. I was still wondering which topic to choose when Lauren began talking about law school. She seemed really enthusiastic, but the more she talked the more Zach’s face darkened.

  “I’m working my ass off every day. Not all of us are as lucky as Zach to have a multi-billion dollar business waiting for us to manage. He doesn’t have to get good grades.”

  “Not everyone has the same ambitions,” I said diplomatically.

  “Some of us don’t have any at all.”

  Zach narrowed his eyes. “Better than having too much ambition. You’d do anything to get ahead.”

  Two red blotches appeared high on Lauren’s cheeks and her lips thinned. She put her fork down. She’d hardly eaten any of the fish curry. “This was very tasty, Amber. Thank you.” She turned to Brian. “I’m tired. Let’s go to your room.”

  Brian glanced at me. “Lauren is going to spend the night.”

  “You don’t need to ask my permission,” I said with an embarrassed laugh.

  Lauren nodded. “See, that’s what I’ve been telling you for weeks.”

  Brian and Lauren got up and left the kitchen. I was actually glad and released a breath. Zach was still glaring at her chair.

  “What did you mean when you said she’d do anything to get ahead?” I asked quietly.

  Zach grimaced. “You don’t want to know.”

  “Now I really want to know.”

  Zach lowered his fork and leaned back in his chair. “Before Lauren and Brian started dating, I knew her. We shared several classes and she knew about my father and the business. She started coming onto me really hard. I quickly figured out it was to score an internship or maybe even a job.”

  “So you blew her off? Is that why she dislikes you so much?”

  Zach avoided my eyes.

  “You slept with her,” I whispered.

  Zach didn’t deny it. “It was a long time ago and I’m not exactly proud of it.”

  “Does Brian know?”

  “No. And I don’t want him to. It was before they started dating anyway.”

  “I won’t tell him,” I said. “But why don’t you tell him? Maybe he’d break up with her. That’s what you want, right?”

  “Yeah, but it would hurt Brian. He needs to figure out just how much of a bitch Lauren is by himself.”

  “How many girls have you been with?” I asked as I started clearing the table. Zach got up to help me. “Many.”

  “More than you can count?”

  “No, but more than I’m willing to admit to you.”

  I snorted. “That’s an answer in itself, you know?”

  “I know,” he said quietly, pulling me into his arms. I was still amazed that I didn’t dissolve into a puddle of panic whenever he did that. I lifted my head and brushed my lips with his. “Past is past,” I murmured. Nobody wanted that more than I.

  When we were done with the dishes, Zach and I headed for the living room, then I hesitated. Zach turned. “Is something wrong?”

  “I don’t know if that’s what you want, but I’d really like to sleep in your bed tonight.” The moment the words left my mouth, I was stunned.

  Zach froze.

  “I mean,” I rambled. “I feel safe with you close. But if you don’t like to share your bed…”

  “No. I want you in my bed.” For a moment, we stared at each other.

  “Just sleep,” I said.

  Zach smiled. “Just sleep.”

  “Go ahead, I’ll change and then I’ll join you.” I flushed but Zach kissed my lips and headed for his room.

  As I stood in my bedroom, I suddenly wasn’t so sure anymore if it was a clever idea. Sleeping in the same bed with someone was a big deal, but it wasn’t as if it would be the first time. Zach and I had spent two nights in the same bed already, albeit under different circumstances. Instead of a nightgown, I chose my satin pajamas. I didn’t want to flash my panties at Zach again, even though he hadn’t minded.

  On my way to Zach’s room I passed Brian’s door and froze when I heard a moan behind it. I quickly moved on, not wanting to hear any more. I really didn’t need an image of Brian and Lauren in my head. Zach had left his room open and I cautiously stepped in. He was kneeling in front of his flatscreen TV attached to the wall across from his bed. He glanced over his shoulder and smiled. “I thought we could watch one or two episodes of Game of Thrones before sleep?”

  “Sure.” I closed the door, feeling self-conscious. Had Zach heard Lauren’s moan? He must be disappointed. While Brian and Lauren slept with each other, Zach could only look forward to a night sleeping beside me. He straightened and for the first time I noticed that he was wearing a shirt over his boxer shorts. He’d always slept bare-chested in the time that I’d known him. For me. He didn’t want to intimidate me.

  Before I could lose my nerve, I slipped under the covers and Zach joined me a moment later. He turned on the TV and I leaned against his chest, linking my fingers with his. How could something as simple as this feel so right? Zach extinguished the light, so that the glow of the screen was the only illumination. As we watched the first episode, I felt myself relax more and more. Zach’s warmth and his scent enveloped me in a cocoon of safety. But there was more. The feeling of his muscled chest against my cheek, the feeling of his abs against my arm, made me want to touch him, to slip a hand under his shirt and find out how soft his skin was.

  I didn’t even pay attention to the second episode anymore. I untangled my fingers from Zach’s and ran my hand over his chest until it came to rest on his firm stomach. He tensed under my touch and held his breath. Biting my lip, I inched my hand to the edge of his shirt. Zach might have been carved from stone he’d become so still. I hesitated, then gathered my courage. Take control, Amber. I eased my hand under Zach’s shirt and rested my palm on his abs. He sucked in his breath. His skin was hot against mine, and his muscles quivered against my hand. I peered up I into his face. His eyes were focused on me, the TV forgotten. “Is this okay?” I whispered.

  Zach laughed hoarsely. “Yeah. More than okay.” He repeated the words I’d said after our first real kiss. “I can’t tell you how much I want to kiss you right now.”

  “Then do it.”

  He brought his face down and I propped myself up on his chest as our lips met. We kissed slowly, and I could feel a sweet pressure building between my legs. I shifted, half embarrassed and half-excited, and completely glad that Zach didn’t know what kind of an effect a simple kiss had on me. Eventually I pulled back. Zach kissed my forehead, his grip around me tightening for an instant before he sat up. “I just need to go to the bathroom real quick.” I nodded, suddenly tired. Who knew kissing could make you sleepy?

  With a half smile, I watched Zach creep out of the room, probably worried about disturbing Brian. I let my head fall down on the pillow and closed my eyes. I wasn’t sure how much time had passed before the mattress sank under Zach’s weight and he snuggled up to me from behind, one of his arms slung over my waist. “Is this okay?” His voice was a deep rumble against my ear. “Hm,” was all I got out in response before sleep claimed me.

  The next morning, I woke with my head on Zach’s chest, his arms still wrapped around my body. I could get used to that.

  Zach

  In the next few weeks, Amber and I found a routine. We always watched a bit of TV, then we kissed until I had to pretend I had to go to the bathroom to take a leak while really I needed to jerk off because I was close to bursting, and then after I’d come in my own fucking hands, I would return to Amber and hold her in my arms until we fell asleep. I loved hearing her rhythmic breathing beside me and how her face lit up with a smile every morning when she saw me. But fuck, having Amber’s body pressed against mine was torture. Even jerking off didn’t stop my balls from feeling like they were under constant pressure. Sometimes I caught myself wondering if it wouldn’t even be better for our relationship if I picked up a random girl to fuck to release some of the tension. Amber would never have to find out and I could keep being patient for her. But as soon as I thought it I felt like the biggest asshole in the world. I couldn’t do that to Amber. I’d be no better than my father if I did. But it was getting increasingly difficult to hide my boner from Amber every morning. One day I’d actually come in my fucking pants with her lying beside me.

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