Not Meant To Be Broken Read online

  “Whatever there is between us is over, Brittany,” I told her. As long as I wasn’t sure about my feelings for Amber, I couldn't keep seeing Brittany. I needed to sort out the mess that was my emotions. I could practically see my father rolling his eyes at me. Emotions weren’t something he approved of.

  “What's that supposed to mean?”

  “It means that we won't see each other anymore,” I said calmly.

  Brittany looked as if she wanted nothing more than to slap my face. Maybe I deserved it, but we’d never been exclusive. It wasn’t as if this was a break up. She lifted her chin, glowering at me. “We'll see about that, Zach,” she said icily. She got into her car and drove off. She’d probably tell her father who would then call my father who would then call me.

  “She looked angry,” Brian commented as I walked up to him.

  “I told her that it’s over between us. She didn’t take it too well,” I said flatly.

  “I'm glad you got rid off her. She's such a bitch.”

  I chuckled. “Says the man who's dating Lauren.”

  “Lauren isn’t like Brittany,” he objected.

  I rolled my eyes. Lauren was a bitch. Everyone knew that. This was proven once more when Brian dropped me in front of the apartment building and drove off because Lauren needed to see him. They were supposed to study together. The girl was a control freak.

  ***

  I was surprised when I entered the apartment to find Reagan and Amber sitting on the sofa.

  “Hi girls,” I greeted them and walked past them toward my room to drop my bag before I returned into the living room. I could tell that they’d been discussing me, but I wasn’t sure if it was because I’d messed up in some way, or if it was general girl talk.

  “So, Zach, have you plans for the afternoon?” Reagan asked with a wide grin. I raised my eyebrows and chanced a look at Amber but she was avoiding my eyes. I frowned at Reagan. “No, why?”

  “Great. We want to go ice-skating. Kevin, Amber and I, and we thought you'd like to join us?” It was worded as a question but Reagan looked like she would cause me bodily harm if I refused. Not that I would have, since I wanted to spend more time with Amber but I wasn’t sure if she was comfortable with the idea of ice-skating on an ice-rink filled with people. And what was more: this sounded suspiciously like a ploy from Reagan. Was she playing match-maker? I really hoped she hadn’t talked Amber into this.

  Reagan stood. “So what do you say?”

  “I'm in,” I said. From the corner of my eye, I noticed Amber smiling slightly and exchanging a look with Reagan. What the hell was going on?

  ***

  Thirty minutes later, we arrived at the ice-rink and luckily it wasn’t as crowded as I'd expected but it wasn’t exactly deserted either. There were definitely more people than I thought Amber could handle. We borrowed skates and sat down on a bench near the ice. Amber's eyes kept flitting toward the ice and the people on it while she put on the skates. I sat next to her, keeping a few inches between us. She seemed comfortable with my closeness and I couldn't stop thinking of how she'd let me touch her cheek last night. She turned her head and caught me staring at her. She blushed.

  “Have you ever ice-skated?” I asked to distract her from her obvious embarrassment.

  “Yes, but that was when I was twelve. I'm not sure how good I'm at it,” she admitted.

  I smiled at her. “Don't worry. I'm sure you'll do fine.” I rose to my feet and realized with a start that Reagan and Kevin were already on the ice, having left Amber and me alone. Amber put her gloves on and stood, swaying slightly on the skates. I would have steadied her but I wasn’t sure if she'd appreciate my touch. Instead I went ahead and waited for her on the ice. She grabbed the boards tightly when she stepped onto the ice. I could tell that it would take time for her to get used to the feeling of being on skates. I'd played ice-hockey for a few years when I was a kid and felt confident on ice but I wasn’t sure how to help Amber. She turned around to me, smiling apologetically. “You can go ahead. You don't need to wait for me.”

  I grinned at her. “You're the only reason why I'm here.” The words had left my mouth before I could stop them and I awaited Amber's reaction with trepidation. I wasn't sure what I'd expected but certainly not what Amber did. She smiled at me and her cheeks tinged a soft pink. I smiled at her in return, feeling happier than I'd felt in forever. Amber bit her lip and let go of the boards. Slowly, she extended her gloved hand and held it out to me. “Maybe you can help me?”

  I was stunned and I hoped it didn’t show. I curled my fingers around her hand, careful to keep my grip light. “Okay?” I asked.

  She nodded simply. Slowly, I led her across the ice, steadying her with my grip on her hand. Her hold tightened a few times when she swayed. She never let go of me. I kept my eyes on our surroundings, trying to avoid getting too close to other people. There was an arm length between Amber's body and mine, and I longed to get even closer to her but I didn’t want to push my luck. Suddenly, her left skate slid to the side and she lost her balance. It was a split second decision – either I'd let her fall to the ground and maybe hurt herself, or I’d steady her with my other arm. It was more instinct than anything else as I wrapped my arm around her waist to keep her upright. Her body tensed beneath my touch and I let go of her waist as soon as she'd regained her balance. To my surprise she kept a hold on my left hand, not giving any indication that my arm around her waist had bothered her. “Thank you,” she said.

  She was trying to be strong and I admired her for it. I caught Reagan and Kevin watching us with smiles on their faces but I tried to ignore them. I wanted to be angry with them for meddling in my life but when I felt Amber's hand in mine as we slid across the ice, I almost felt the need to thank them.

  Amber

  I'd wanted this for so long, so very long, this taste of normalcy. Being a part of normal life. The feeling was elating, almost intoxicating. Was this happiness? It was very close. Closer than I'd been in years. The smile didn’t leave my face and for once it wasn’t forced. It felt so easy to smile around Zach.

  You're the only reason why I'm here. Zach's words kept repeating themselves in my head and they filled me with strange warmth. He liked me. Maybe Reagan was right and he didn’t just see his best friend's sister when he looked at me. It made me hopeful and, though, I knew it was dangerous for me to allow myself to hope, I couldn't help it. I chanced a look up at Zach's face. At his strong jaw, his blue eyes, his high cheekbones. For a second, his eyes darted to me. He squeezed my hand gently as we continued gliding over the ice. Maybe it was because of the gloves between us but I didn’t mind his touch at all, instead of frightening me, it gave me a strange sense of being safe. How was that even possible? Zach was huge and strong. He was everything I’d been scared of in the last three years, and yet I wasn’t afraid of him.

  “Hey!” Reagan's voice carried over to us and I found her standing with Kevin near the exit of the ice and she was waving. “Let’s grab dinner!”

  Zach and I exchanged a disappointed look and skated over to where they stood. I could have spent hours skating beside Zach, his hand around mine, his body so close that I could feel his warmth. Reagan flashed me a grin when Zach wasn’t looking and I had to stifle laughter. Zach and I stepped off the ice; we were still holding hands. I stared down at our gloved hands in amazement. It felt so good. Zach followed my gaze, then met my eyes. I wished I knew what was going on in his head. He didn’t let go of my hand until we’d sat down on a bench to remove the skates from our feet. His warmth lingered on my skin and I wondered how it would be to touch him without gloves. I missed Zach's touch. His hand around mine was a feeling I wanted to experience over and over again. Reagan scooted over to me. “Looks like it’s going great between you and Zach. You are so sweet together. You’d make such a cute couple.”

  I cast a quick glance at Zach to make sure he hadn’t overheard what Reagan had said but he was talking with Kevin about one of his professors. />
  We had dinner at the rink. Fries and burgers, but I hardly tasted what I was eating because I was too distracted by the way Zach kept looking at me.

  ***

  We arrived back at the apartment building and stepped into the elevator together. I pressed my back against the wall. The space was too small for me to feel comfortable. That definitely hadn’t changed. Reagan took my hand in hers and I squeezed her fingers, silently thanking her for her support. I didn’t dare to look at Kevin or Zach to see if they noticed anything. It wasn’t as bad as last time, but as soon as the doors slid open, I stepped out and drew in a deep breath. Kevin and Reagan waved at us and headed for their apartment. Suddenly I felt nervous about being alone with Zach. I felt like something had changed between us, but I wasn’t sure if Zach felt the same way.

  We walked in silence to our apartment and the second we entered, Brian advanced on us. “Where have you been?” He snarled. “I've been out of my mind from worry!”

  I shrunk back, it wasn’t voluntarily, my body acted on its own accord. He halted, his expression one of despair. Slowly his shoulders slumped and he took a step back, the pain in his eyes almost too much to bear.

  “Relax, Brian. We were just ice-skating with Reagan and Kevin,” Zach tried to explain but Brian wasn’t listening. He glared at Zach. “Don’t you remember what I told you?”

  Zach tensed. “Didn’t you listen to what I just said? We were out with Kevin and Reagan.”

  Brian shook his head, then he disappeared in his room without another word.

  “What did he tell you?” I asked.

  Zach looked uncomfortable. “Nothing.” His face was giving nothing away, but something had happened between Brian and him, and it had something to do with me.

  “Brian will calm down soon,” Zach said. I gave him a weak smile and shook my head. “I need to talk to him.”

  “Are you sure?” Zach asked. We were standing so close, closer than I’d have thought possible before today. “I could try to talk to him.”

  “I’m his sister. I’m the reason why he’s like this. I need to do this.”

  Zach hesitated, looking like he wanted to say more, but then he nodded and headed for the kitchen. I went ahead and knocked at Brian’s door.

  “Go away, Zach,” Brian shouted. “I don’t want to deal with you right now.”

  “It's me, Brian.” It was silent in the room and I feared that he didn’t want to see me either. Why was he being so difficult?

  “Come in,” Brian said so quietly I almost didn’t hear him. I eased open the door and stepped into the room. Brian was sitting on his bed, his elbows propped up on his legs. He raised his head. Our eyes met and I could tell that he was on the verge of tears. The struggle was obvious on his face.

  I hesitated, unsure of what to do. I pushed my anxiety aside, and closed the door behind me. His eyes followed me as I moved toward his bed and slowly his face filled with confusion. I sank down an arm-length away from him. Brian sat up straight. He was silent, waiting for me to do the first step. I took a deep breath and reached for his hand resting on his legs. Tentatively, I covered it with mine.

  Brian froze and stared down at our hands like he'd never seen a hand before.

  “Brian?” I said softly and he lifted his gaze to look at me. He didn’t try to grab my hand or move at all.

  “Amber?” His voice shook with emotions and the small flicker of hope in his eyes encouraged me further. I could do this. I could be a good sister for Brian. I was in control of my fears. I could conquer them.

  “I'm sorry if I upset you,” I told him.

  He shook his head slowly. “I was just so worried when I came home and you weren't there. I sent you several texts but you never replied.”

  “My mobile was in my bag. I didn’t check it while we were at the rink.”

  “So you spent the day with Zach?”

  “We were just ice-skating together. It was Reagan's idea.”

  “You’re spending a lot of time with Zach.”

  “Are you jealous?”

  “Maybe,” he admitted grudgingly. “But that’s not why I don’t want you to hang out with Zach.”

  “Then why?”

  “He’s not good for you.”

  “Not good for me? I like spending time with him. I like how he makes me feel. How can that not be good?”

  Brian paled. “Please don’t tell me you’re falling for him.”

  I wanted to deny it, but I couldn’t lie to Brian again. “I don’t know,” I said quietly.

  “Fuck,” he muttered, then hastily added. “Sorry.” His eyes wandered over my face. “I mean it, Amber. Zach is one of the last guys you should fall for. He’s not good for you.”

  I got up, frustrated and confused. “You’re his friend. How can you say something like that? Why are you even friends with him if you think so badly of him?”

  “Zach is a good friend. He is my best friend. That’s why I know of his history with girls. He never settles. For him girls are just good for one thing.” He paused to see if I understood. I nodded, getting what he meant. I wasn’t stupid.

  “But why? Zach seems like a good guy. He doesn’t strike me as someone who would use girls.”

  Brian shrugged. “It’s because of his parents, I guess. Their marriage is a train wreck from what he tells me. His father cheats with girls that are Zach’s age and his mother drinks because of it. Zach thinks he’s like his father.” Brian stood to pace the room and I tensed. He pointed at me. “That’s why he isn’t good for you.”

  I flushed. “I’m trying to get better, Brian. It’s all I want. I want to be happy. I want to date. I want to love someone like Mom loved Dad.” I swallowed.

  “You do?” Brian asked softly. Why was it such a surprise to him? I nodded. “I thought you only came here to get Dad off your back, not because you actually wanted to get better.”

  “It started like that, but I realized that I actually want this. I want a life.”

  Brian looked like I’d given him a huge present. “That’s great, Amber. I’m glad you want to live. For a while, I really worried you were going to try to end things again.”

  I lowered my face, embarrassed for what I’d put them through. “I don’t want to kill myself anymore.” I peered up. “I want to move on. But you have to let me.”

  “I’m not stopping you from moving on. But not with Zach.”

  “Why?”

  Brian looked at me worriedly. “I just don't want you to get hurt.”

  “Do you think Zach would hurt me?”

  Brian shook his head without hesitation. “No, not on purpose, and he knows that I'd kill him if he did.”

  “Brian,” I scolded. “Don't say such things.”

  Brian's eyes were soft as he spoke. “But it's the truth, Amber. I couldn't live with myself if someone hurt you again, not after...I still can't forgive myself that I wasn’t there to protect you when it happened.” Self-hatred flashed in his eyes and I was taken aback by his words. I'd never realized that Brian blamed himself for what had happened. If he'd just told me this before, then I could have convinced him that it wasn’t his fault. I'd never blamed him or Dad. If I blamed anyone, then it was me.

  “Brian, nothing of it was your fault. You couldn't have done anything even if you'd been there. There were three of them.” My voice got stuck in my throat as the images of that day flashed up in my mind and I closed my eyes tightly in an attempt to banish them.

  “Amber.” His pained voice drifted into my ears, and I opened my eyes and looked at him with a weak smile. “I’m okay,” I said.

  “When you are with Zach, you seem so much more relaxed than with me. Why?”

  I bit my lip uncertainly. “With you, I have the feeling that you're always watching me, waiting for me to freak out or break down, and it makes me feel scrutinized.”

  “I never meant to put pressure on you, Amber. I'm just always so worried about you.”

  “I know, but maybe you can pret
end I’m a normal girl and not a broken porcelain doll,” I said softly, smiling hopefully.

  “I'll do my best,” he promised.

  “That's all I'm asking for.”

  “About Zach—”

  I held up my hand. “I know, you don’t want me to spend time with him. But I can’t help how I feel.” At the look on his face, I said, “I don’t even know if I’ll act on my feelings. I don’t even know what exactly they are. I don’t know if I even want to figure them out. I’m not exactly girlfriend material either.”

  “Don’t say that.”

  “We both know it’s true,” I said. “I know you worry and you want to protect me but I need to find my own path. Please don’t threaten Zach. It’s not his fault that I like him. He probably doesn’t even feel the same way, so you have nothing to worry about.”

  Brian snorted. “I wish that was true.” He shook his head. “I need to get out of here for a while. I’ll be back in a couple of hours.” I stepped back as he passed and a few moments later the front door was thrown shut. What did he mean? Had Zach said something to Brian? I really wished I knew if Zach was interested in me.

  I walked into the kitchen. Zach stood in the open fridge, drinking out of a milk carton. He quickly lowered it when he saw me, smiling apologetically. He looked like a child caught with its hand in the cookie jar. “Sorry. I was planning on finishing it.”

  I smiled. “Good, I don’t want your cooties.”

  He laughed, then downed the rest of the milk.

  “That’s kind of gross, you know?” I asked, still in the doorway. My eyes traveled over his body, from head to toe. The way his abs strained against his thin white shirt, the way his biceps flexed, his broad shoulders and the outline of a tattoo on his back shining through. I couldn’t make out what it was. Then I realized what I was doing. Was I really checking out Zach?