Not Meant To Be Broken Read online

  His grip on my hand was firm and it took everything I had not to squirm away. Apart from Zach, I still had trouble with physical closeness, especially with strangers. He didn’t let go of my hand when he said. “So you are Zach’s girlfriend.” The word sounded like an insult from his mouth but I kept a polite smile plastered on my face. “You can call me Robert.”

  Zach cleared his throat, and his father finally released me. I exhaled quietly, but tension lingered in my muscles. “Where’s Mother?” Zach asked, a hint of worry in his voice.

  “She’s getting ready.”

  “Ready?”

  “For the luncheon at our country club. Didn’t I mention it? We’ll eat there, so you can meet a few of our business partners, and they can meet you and your girlfriend.”

  I tensed and peered up at Zach. I wasn’t wearing something that was fancy enough for a country club luncheon. I probably didn’t even own anything that came close to being expensive enough to be considered acceptable in such a club. Robert’s deprecatory expression as he took in my skirt and blouse made that more than clear.

  Zach narrowed his eyes at his father. “We aren’t dressed for a fancy luncheon.”

  “We still have a few of your business suits and dress shirts upstairs. They should still fit.”

  “And what about Amber?”

  “She can borrow something from your mother.”

  Zach dragged me away from his father and led me upstairs. “I’m sorry. He’s doing this on purpose. He loves to put me on the spot.” He turned to me. “We can cancel. We don’t have to go to the fucking luncheon.”

  I smiled. I knew Zach needed to go there. Once he started working in his father’s company he would have to deal with these people all the time. “Maybe it won’t be too bad? It’s good practice, right?”

  He kissed me. “You’re too good for this world.” Then he shook his head. “My mother is a bit taller than you. I hope we find something. I hate this.”

  We stopped in front of a door and knocked. “Mother?”

  “Come in,” came a soft voice. Zach pushed open the door, revealing a huge bright bedroom. His mother stood in front of a long mirror, with a glass of red wine in her hand. She was wearing a tight blue dress with a pencil skirt and high heels. She looked sophisticated, almost regal but over all that hung an air of sadness. She took another gulp from the wine, then set the glass down on the vanity next to a half empty wine bottle. Zach’s grip on my hand tightened before he let go and wrapped his arm around his mother in an awkward hug. She patted his back, her eyes on me. Her expression wasn’t hostile, nor friendly. It was, if anything, resigned and hollow. She pulled back, then strode toward me. “Nice to meet you.” From close up, it was obvious that she had done something to her face, maybe Botox, to get rid of the wrinkles and hide her age. Her breasts didn’t look natural either. Had she done it because she hoped Zach’s dad would stop cheating on her if she changed?

  “Father said you would give Amber something to wear for the luncheon.”

  “Of course,” she said, her eyes drifting toward the wineglass. “Get ready. We don’t have much time. I will take care of your girl.”

  Zach looked at me and I nodded my okay. He pulled the door closed. I twisted my hands, suddenly nervous about being alone with Zach’s mother. She snatched up her wineglass and emptied it in one long gulp, then she smiled wistfully. “I was as wide-eyed and hopeful and happy and young as you are now.” She filled her wineglass again. I wondered if she’d drunk what was missing in the bottle before we’d arrived and if she intended to finish it. I wouldn’t be able to walk on high heels after that much alcohol. I probably wouldn’t be able to walk at all. “That was such a long time ago.” She looked down into her glass as if she hoped to find something there that she’d lost. I could feel for her.

  ‘What happened?’ I wanted to ask but didn’t. Wineglass clutched in her hand, she led me through a door into a walk-in closet. It was bigger than my room in the apartment.

  She turned toward me as if remembering something. “You can call me, Abi.” Then she began rifling through her dresses until she pulled out three pieces. None of them were something I’d usually wear. I pointed toward a black dress with a high collar and a beige flower at the waist. “Try it on. I’ll be outside,” Abi said, and left with her wineglass.

  I quickly got out of my thick winter tights, skirt and blouse, then slipped the dress over my head. It reached my knees and was a bit too wide around the chest. It wasn’t very obvious since it wasn’t meant to accentuate that area but the waist could definitely have been a bit smaller for me.

  Abi knocked before she came in, her eyes scanning me from head to toe. “Not perfect, but it should do.” She took an unopened package of nylons from a drawer and handed them to me, then moved over to the shoe shelf and grabbed a pair of very high beige high heels. They matched the color of the flower belt on the dress. “Can you walk in these?”

  “I don’t know.” I admitted.

  “Put on the nylons, then we’ll try.”

  I put the nylons on and took the shoes from her. When I stepped into them, I swayed for a moment. I was really tall. I took a few hesitant steps. It didn’t help that the shoes were a size too big for me. Abi shook her head. “No. That’s not going to work.” She went back to her shoe shelf and searched for a long time, then picked up black pointy sling back heels. I tried them on and while they were also too big, the heel was moderate and I could actually walk like a normal human being in them. I didn’t want to embarrass myself at the luncheon by falling on my face.

  Abi nodded. “Good. Let’s go. Robert doesn’t like to be late.”

  I followed her into the hallway where Zach was already waiting. He was dressed in a light grey pinstriped business suit, a light blue dress shirt and a tie in a darker blue color.

  He straightened when we came out, eyes roaming over me. He’d never seen me in an elegant dress before.

  “I’ll give you a moment,” Abi said with a wistful expression, then she was gone.

  I shrugged, embarrassed. “It’s not perfect.”

  Zach put his hands on my waist and pulled me toward him for a kiss. “I prefer you in your own clothes anyway, but you look gorgeous.”

  “Zach?” Robert called in an impatient tone.

  Zach and I stopped kissing and walked downstairs. His father scanned me from head to toe as we arrived in the entrance hall. He didn’t look impressed even though he gave a tight-lipped smile. I hoped the other guests of the luncheon would be more like Zach and not like his father.

  ***

  Unfortunately, most of the guests were exactly like that, or worse. Every smile seemed fake, every word loaded with innuendos I didn’t get. I smiled and laughed, but I wanted to be anywhere but there. It wasn’t as much a real lunch as an occasion to drink expensive Champagne that didn’t even taste all that good, and nibble at small appetizer that did nothing to make my hunger go away. Zach kept his hand on my waist and I was grateful for it. Mostly I watched the people around me and occasionally answered a question directed at me, but the other guests were more interested in small talk with Zach anyway. Despite the amount of wine Zach’s mother had drunk, her appearance was immaculate as she talked to other women of the country club, but every once in a while her gaze would seek out her husband who never once returned it and a ripple went through the perfect mask she wore like a second skin. Was that what longing, what loneliness looked like?

  I excused myself to go to the bathroom and released a long breath when I was hidden in the toilet stall. This wasn’t my crowd. When I stepped out, I froze. Brittany stood in front of a washbasin and was reapplying lip-gloss. Her eyes met mine in the mirror. This wasn’t an accidental run-in. “You are here?” I said in surprise.

  She straightened, a thin smile on her face. “Of course, my father and Zach’s father are best friends and have been members in the club forever.” She shook her head. “You look like a fish out of water out there. You hate those
people. But it’s what you’ll have to get used to if you stay with Zach. Those people will become your people, and their ways will become your ways, and eventually you’ll be a hopeless alcoholic like Aby.”

  I frowned. “If it is so bad, then why do I get the feeling that you wouldn’t mind being at Zach’s side for all that.”

  “Because,” she said, taking a step closer to me. “Those are already my people. I’m one of them, I’ve always been one of them. Their games and backstabbing are what I do best. And I’m too strong to become alcoholic. I won’t break down because my husband cheats on me. That’s what pool-boys and masseurs are for. I’d find someone to distract me.”

  She turned to leave. “Don’t look so shocked. That’s how it works. That’s the world Zach has grown up in. He might try to be an average law student right now, but eventually he’ll become what he was meant to be.”

  After she’d left, I needed a couple of minutes to compose myself before I joined Zach again, but I couldn’t stop thinking about Brittany’s words.

  ***

  It was late afternoon when we returned to the house and I was exhausted. Keeping up a front was exhausting. Even Zach’s mother who’d been charming and almost exuberant at the country club seemed to collapse back upon herself the moment we were inside.

  “Could I have a word with my son?” Robert asked with a too polite smile.

  Zach narrowed his eyes at his father, but I let go of his hand and followed his mother into the kitchen. She opened the fridge and searched for something. I assumed some kind of alcohol. When she didn’t find it, her shoulders slumped and she turned to me. “Zach’s trying to be a good boy,” she said quietly. “But he’s his father’s son. Maybe he won’t leave you because he’s worried what you’ll do if he does, but he won’t love you. I know because I’m living that reality.” My lips parted in shock. She smiled. “I really like you, Amber. I want you and Zach to be happy…Please excuse me. I’ll have to leave you for a moment.” With that, she walked out of the kitchen, leaving me alone.

  After a moment, I also left the kitchen and headed for the guest bathroom, but froze when I heard Robert’s voice coming from the living room.

  “You brought her here because you knew how I’d react. You knew I’d say what you are thinking but too polite to say aloud, or too cowardly to admit to yourself. That girl is not for you.”

  “Why? Because she makes me happy and you prefer me miserable?”

  “Don’t be ridiculous. The girl is not for you because once you join me in the company you need someone at your side who can charm the pants off of clients, someone who has no trouble lying through her teeth, someone who can be every bit the trophy wife men in our position need, someone like Brittany.”

  I stifled a gasp. I peered through the gap in the door and saw Zach and his father facing each other.

  Zach scoffed. “Brittany? You think she’s a good match because she’s the daughter of one of your best clients. She means better business.”

  “So what? It’s not like she’s hard on the eyes. And she’s like you.”

  “Like me?”

  His father smiled coldly. “You’re both not exactly faithful.”

  Zach’s face hardened. “I have Amber now.”

  “Amber is shy and polite and barely able to hold my gaze. She won’t impress anyone, believe me. She’s your flavor of the month but that won’t last. Whether you’re able to admit it or not, Zach, you are like me. You can’t be monogamous. You will always look for the next hot piece of ass, and what happens to Amber then? That girl wouldn’t survive a marriage to you. Look at what marrying me meant for your mother, and she was never as weak as that girl. Do you really want that for Amber? Let her go. Let her find some boring accountant who will make her happy.”

  Weak. I wasn’t weak.

  Was I?

  “I can’t,” Zach said. I can’t? What kind of answer was that? Shouldn’t he have said I ‘won’t’? ‘I can’t’ sounded as if I was stopping him.

  “Why? Your mother told me a bit about the girl. Are you worried she’s going to kill herself if you dump her? Believe me I know how it feels to be shackled to a woman because she threatens you with suicide. They won’t go through with it, don’t worry.”

  Zach didn’t say anything. I felt like I was falling. Was he staying with me because of what my dad had said? Was he scared I’d kill myself if he left me?

  Robert put a hand on Zach’s shoulder. “Think of your future, of Amber’s future, and then do the right thing and cut her loose as long as this isn’t serious. If you wait longer, it’ll only get worse.” Zach’s father shrugged. “If you’re too selfish to let her go, then keep her on the side. If she’s good in bed, then for all I care keep her for that, though I can’t see the appeal unless you like them meek and submissive.”

  I stumbled back, not able to bear another moment. My heart was pounding in my chest as I hurried back toward the kitchen. I’d always thought that Zach could do better than me. Apparently, I wasn’t the only one who thought like that. What about Zach? He hadn’t disagreed with his father. Maybe deep down he knew that we wouldn’t make it. Maybe he’d realized that I wasn’t enough. Maybe he was tired of vanilla sex. Maybe he wanted to escape but couldn’t because his conscience wouldn’t let him. Brian and my dad had made sure he knew how fragile I was and seeing my suicide scars probably hadn’t helped matters. I wasn’t sure what to think anymore. Zach’s father right with one thing: I couldn’t live like Zach’s mother did. Knowing that my husband was cheating on me and drowning my sorrows in alcohol. I’d gone through too much, had come too far to let that happen to me. I had a past I hated being reminded of; I wanted at least a future to look forward to. And there was another thing I was absolutely sure about: I wouldn’t force anyone to stay with me by threatening him with suicide. I’d been pitied by everyone around me for years, I didn’t want Zach to be with me out of pity or duty.

  Zach

  I ground my teeth together to keep back the things I wanted to call my father. He was a cheating, misogynistic, money-grubbing asshole but he was still my father. When I was sure I wouldn’t curse him, I said. “Don’t talk about Amber like that. You don’t know anything about Amber, or about our relationship. I can’t leave Amber because I love her.” Shock shot through my body at the realization. I did love her. I should have realized it sooner.

  “Love, please don’t be ridiculous, Zach.”

  I glared. “Just because you aren’t capable of loving anyone except for yourself that doesn’t mean I’m the same way. I’m nothing like you.”

  “You are. Tell me now that you’ve never once considered cheating on Amber and then maybe I believe that you are less like me than I think.”

  I tensed, and my father let out a sharp laugh. “Maybe you aren’t ready to accept it yet. Keep your Amber for now, string her along, but mark my words: that girl won’t be at your side once you take over my company.”

  “Coming here was a mistake,” I said firmly. “Amber and I are leaving now.” I turned around to pick up Amber in the kitchen.

  “Yes, run away. But you can’t run from the truth of who you are, Zach.” I pushed through the door and almost ran toward the kitchen. Amber was inside, staring out of the window – alone.

  “Where’s my mother?” I asked.

  Amber glanced over her shoulder. She looked shaken. “She said she needed to go upstairs.”

  God, was my mother getting wasted with Amber in the house? “I need to check on her,” I said and went upstairs. Mother was in the bedroom, bent over her vanity. I approached her cautiously and put a hand on her shoulder. “Mom?” She raised her head a few inches. The remains of cocaine dusted the vanity and her chin. “I thought you stopped with that shit?” I whispered harshly. I helped her to her feet and led her toward the bed, where she lay down with a hazy smile. “I did. For a little while. A little while. But I need it to feel something, to feel numb, and forget.”

  Did she realize that she contra
dicted herself? There was only one thing cocaine did: ruining your life. “Does Father know?” The answer was obvious. Cocaine was expensive.

  “He tells me to be careful.” I closed my eyes for a moment, then pressed a kiss to my mother’s forehead and left. I wasn’t even sure when I’d found my mother like that the first time. I was young, maybe seven, and father had lost it completely. When I came back downstairs, Father was putting on his coat. “Where are you going? Mother just sniffed coke, you can’t leave her alone.”

  “Nina is on her way.”

  “You’re going to let the maid take care of Mother?”

  He glared. “It’s worked for the last few years. Now leave, and get your affairs sorted. I’ll be back in a couple of hours. Don’t worry, I’ll spend the night with your mother.”

  I wanted to hit him so much in that moment. Instead I walked into the kitchen and took Amber’s hand before leading her outside. Father was already getting into his Porsche when we stepped onto the porch. “Is your mother alright?”

  Nina waved at me from a way down the street. “She’s…as she’s always been.” That was the only way to describe it. I couldn’t remember a time when my mother hadn’t been addicted to something. Pills, anti-depressants, alcohol, pott, cocaine. She was getting worse at hiding it; that was what really worried me.

  Amber was awfully silent during our drive back to Boston. She was probably shocked by the state of my family. Some people equaled money with happiness, but that wasn’t true. I didn’t think my mother had been truly happy in many years. “Are you okay?” I asked eventually.

  She looked almost surprised that I’d spoken as if she’d forgotten that she wasn’t alone in the car. “Yeah. Tired. The country club was exhausting.”

  “I know. It’ll get better. Eventually your facial muscles learn to keep a constant smile and the right words will come naturally.”